


Leave me rest, please

by Liah



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon verse, Friendship/Love, M/M, Post-Canon, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 23:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13111296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liah/pseuds/Liah
Summary: „Is there something I can do at least?“„Erwin...“Silence.„Make them remember me as a fighter. That´s all I can ask for.”“There is nobody who does not know your name already, Eren.“(Or: the one where Eren is really suicidal bastard)





	Leave me rest, please

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I know that Eren is normally just too... full of life to let this happen to him but we know him only during the war - when his life has its purpose. I also wanted to show that the depression really can choose anyone - like any other sickness.

_„Is there something I can do at least?“_  
„Erwin...“  
Silence.  
„Make them remember me as a fighter. That´s all I can ask for.”  
“There is nobody who does not know you name already, Eren.“  
*** *** ***  
They fought for a peace. And they got the peace. 

So they should be happy. And they really were to some extent – they were safe, they have home and food and friends who survived. Now they are allowed to think about future and families and when they were talking about it even his sister was smiling. 

Eren could not. 

No matter how much he tried, no matter how much he persuaded himself. He was just unable to relax or to stop to wear his gear although his friends eventually did.  
Every day, he was waiting. Every scream in the street was too similar to the scream of woman who yelled as a first one that day when his mother was eaten.  
He was waiting for another titan to come although they did their best to exterminate all of the big ones.

Eren felt sick of it.  
*** *** ***  
After they won his nightmares got worse.  
To be honest, during the war he got no time to think properly about horrors which he witnessed. He just kept going, step by step, death body after death body, titan´s, human´s, broken limbs, it did not matter. They had no luxury to mourn. 

But now…  
Every night he was seeing faces of his comrades. He saw them killed again and again, screaming in agony, pleading him to make it stop. He did not remembered their names which made him feel even guiltier.  
When he started to eat his friends in his titan form in his dreams he made sure that he slept bare minimum of hours. The least the better.

It got to the point when he slept only three hours every night.  
Still better than another alternative.  
*** *** ***  
He knew her name was not Shitty glasses but it suited her the best. When he and Levi found her body Levi closed her eyes with fingertips and Eren put her glasses on – he wanted her eyes which were once full of little insane wisdom stayed protected.  
He remember one particular conversation.

_“I mean, where are titans actually from?”_  
Sigh, “we don´t know, kiddo. We even don´t know why their height and strength differ. Not yet.”  
“So… even when we kill every titan which is able to knock our walls…”  
“Yeah. There is possibility that they will just appear again. It is called mutation.”  
“Mutation?”  
“Like your eyes. You have green ones. That caller is normal only for like 2% of population. We don´t know why it exists. It is just mother nature´s way how to fuck with us.” 

Thank you, Shitty glasses.  
*** *** ***  
Eren has never been fussy about his food. 

It would be ridiculous if he was in the time of war. He has eaten everything which did not ate him (and that phrase gave him shivers because of his oh-titan-an-eater-of-humans). Actually, majority of time he just forgot he was supposed to eat at all – he was functioning on pure adrenaline and sheer will.  
After the war ended the food get better and there were more opportunities to eat and enjoy his meal.  
He as a soldier has even a better quality food than normal citizens. 

And still… he could not eat. 

Not for a lack of trying – he really tried to eat whatever was put on the table. But he just did not feel any taste of food, everything tasted like an ash. In spite of that, he ate – he knew he needs food as a fuel for his body to function properly. But after he ate his stomach started to hurt badly to the point when he had to excuse himself from the table and just throw up.

After that he stopped trying.  
He always make sure to eat at least the soup and to drink a tea which Levi prepared every evening for their squat. Once someone explained him that the tea contains some particular stuff – it was called caffeine or something like that?- which helps you to focus and to stay awake.  
He also make sure to always have some sugar lumps in his pockets as a fast source of energy. He would not dare to put sugar in Levi´s tea – captain would kill him – but sucking did a trick. Sugar was still quite expensive material but nobody protested against that – it was quietly respected that survivors of war could have some strange… kinks. Eren preferred a term habit. 

And after all, he was doing it to adapt and survive, not for his pleasure.  
Eren was well aware that if not his titan abilities his body would be unable to carry on too long like this. But fuck that, at least he could use his nature for his personal benefits.  
So life continued. Somehow.  
*** *** ***  
After the end of the war he transformed only twice.

Today would be a third time – his strength was required to relocate some stones. Levi was named as his supervisor like the very first time when he transformed.  
Politicians were arguing for month about his assistance. And to be honest it made Eren more hurt than it should – the awareness that after everything what he sacrificed his own kind still not believed him.  
One evening when two of them were drinking tea alone, Levi only said, “they are fucking idiots. I nearly wish that you eat some of them.”  
Somehow it made all matter little less itchy. 

When he transformed it felt… fantastic.  
You know that feeling when you are finally able to stretch after you were sitting in office all day long? That was how it felt. For the first time in months he felt well aware of his surrounding and full of energy.  
He roared in his happiness, announcing he is ready for a fight. 

He realised that people were at the edge of panic only when he felt someone – as humans felt a fly on their skin, nothing less nothing more – standing at his shoulder.  
He turned his head.  
Levi.  
Captain cleared his throat, his arms folded, completely at ease, “stop scarring living shit from citizens and do your job, kid.”  
So he did. To completely obey Levi was instinct for Eren.  
And after everything… Levi brought him back to the humans again.  
After that day… people started to avoid him again. He saw a fear in faces of citizens… and soldiers.  
It made him sick.  
So he was in his bed trying to supress his tears. You survived worse, so much worse. So why this would matter?  
But that awareness… that he liked his titan form… it scared him. He should not like it. He should not ached to transform. It was wrong. His true form was human one. He was human.  
Human with titan form.  
Titan with human form?

He did not know anymore.  
*** *** ***  
“So you… want to go out the walls,” said Erwin slowly, clearly thinking.  
“Yes,” answered Eren.  
“Is it about that… things which… Arwin talked about? Do you want to see a sea? And mountains?”  
Eren was thinking about it as a good reason – to lead an expedition. But it would mean that he would have to take people – probably lot of them- with him.  
And this was a solo mission.  
“Not really.”  
“So what this is about?” asked Erwin again, looking at him expectantly, elbows at the table.  
“I want to kill titans which remained. I want to eliminate a possibility that titan strong enough to kick our walls will appear again.”  
Erwin blinked, “should I form a squat?” he asked hesitantly, “it will take time to gain permission for this but-“  
“No. I will go alone.” 

Erwin looked at him in horror. He understood, of course he did.  
“Eren I can´t let you-“  
“Of course you can. One soldier means nothing.”  
“You know it is not true. If nothing else, you are valuable tool. I cannot lose you.”  
“Tool without usage is useless. Please, let me fulfil my task.”  
Please, let me rest.  
“Refused. Now go.”  
“Erwin. You know I will find a way how to go. I am just trying to avoid problems.”  
Just few years ago Eren was clueless when politics was concerned. Now he knows that although he is feared his influence as person is considerable. He can persuade citizens that he needs to go to the point when pressure from them will be too much for leaders to ignore even for someone as good as Erwin. It was only a matter of time.  
Erwin was well aware of that.

“What´s wrong, Eren? Talk to me.”  
How he was supposed to describe how he felt? Tired but unable to sleep, hungry but sick of food. How much he was struggling even in waking up every day. Deeply unhappy. Something in him pushed to move to runrunrun and that pressure on his chest which never leave was indicating that he was running from himself.  
“I am just really tired, Erwin. Everything feels so… heavy.”  
Erwin was frowning, more pale than usual.

“Give me a time. Dismissed!”  
*** *** ***  
Two days after someone knocked at his door.

Well, it was better to say that somebody was acting like he wanted to _knock his door out_.

As soon as he opened them someone´s fist connected with his cheek. Said person was moving so fast that he was only able to register dark crown of hair – and that was speaking about something when you consider a fact that Eren was a soldier majority of his life.

“Fight, brat,” ordered the voice which was painfully familiar. Levi.  
Levi did not wait and attacked once again. The punch was so strong that Eren lost his balance and fell. Captain used it and sat on his stomach, pinching him to the ground, using his fists to beat Eren without mercy.  
And Eren did nothing. 

He felt pain, of course. But he could bare much worse, he got through so much worse. He was able to survive missing limbs and was stabbed more times than he cared to count. What was Levi´s beating in comparison?  
And even there and then, Eren trusted Levi completely. There was no fear or wrath for the attack which he felt so strongly the very first time when Levi beaten him in the court. There was nothing to worry about – captain would not hit something too important. Even when Levi was beating a living shit from him Eren was marginally aware that Levi was avoiding to touch places which would be the most effective if he wanted him unconscious – eyes, neck, and genitals.

Moreover at this point with his regeneration abilities it was more or less impossible to kill him. At least in his human form.  
“Fight! Eren!”  
Eren was looking at the light of fire torches at walls of dungeon – he moved back in them after his last transformation although he hated how dark and cold they were. But… he belonged here, right? If this made other people little more comfortable around him…  
His vision was blurred with tears – Levis features looked surreal. Another hit. And another. And then the one to the stomach, he had to turn his head because the punch made him want to vomit. He knew that Levi would not appreciate his clothes dirty.  
Levi´s face was motionless.

“You idiot! It is order! _Fight!_ ” captain´s voice… cracked?  
Eren was just too tired to obey this time.  
Pain started to be even more distant that before and Levi´s weight on him too.  
He felt a sour taste of blood. That sensation was so familiar it was almost calming.  
“I am sorry…” he said hoarsely.

The darkness was waiting for him like an old friend.  
*** *** ***  
Next day he woke up in his bed, tucked under his covers. Someone also put his shoes off.  
He will have to thank Levi when he will find a way how to speak to him after this.  
Eren felt ashamed. But he would react exactly the same.  
He just saw no point in fighting in this circumstances – when only person which was threatened was himself. He would not attack Levi no matter what – not after everything what they were thought.  
*** *** ***  
He went to visit Mikasa.  
After everything she ended with Jean. They got a small but really cosy house in good part of city and both of them were well respected by citizens as war heroes.  
At first Eren could not imagine Mikasa as a housewife but when he saw how her features softened and that small smile which she had so often on her lips… he changed his opinion. Don´t make it sound wrong, Eren was sure that his sister would still be able to kill as many titans as possible without struggles but domestic life… suited her.  
He and Mikasa would often sat in her kitchen which was so similar to the one which their mother had and they would talk about Armin. Good times and also the worst ones. It was all which remained after him. 

Mikasa told him that she was pregnant.  
Eren blinked. His heart raced like he was going to attack the titan. Then he started to bubble and Mikasa started to laugh at him. Then they hugged.  
It was perfect.  
Eren knew he would do everything to protect Mikasa´s child.  
*** *** ***  
There was no point in waiting. Not anymore.

„Is there something I can do at least?“  
Eren felt grateful. This mas can be cruel but… he was the best one of them.  
„Erwin...“  
Silence.  
„Make them remember me as a fighter.”  
„There is no way that there is somebody who does not know you name already, Eren.“  
*** *** ***  
He told nobody else. Not even Mikasa. She would forgive him eventually. There was no reason to say goodbye.  
And in spite of that, someone was waiting for him near to the gate. The sun was only rising – Eren wanted to see a sunrise from height of the wall for one last time.  
Levi.  
Eren was speechless for a long while. The while so long that even someone so antisocial as Levi found it odd enough to speak as first. 

“ Did you really think that Erwin would let you go alone, brat?”  
“You can´t go with me, captain!” said Eren desperately.  
“Why could not I?” asked Levi with nonchalance, his eyebrows raised.  
“Because…” _I won´t come back this time._  
“Look, brat. I have my own reasons. Deal with that.”

Eren understood perfectly although he did not want to– Levi was never the same after they lost their squat. He was fighting and killing and planning as sharply as before but after everything was done…  
Oh, how much he understood. 

“I am sorry,” said Eren.  
“And I am sorry that I let them to fuck you to this point. And that I am unable to help you.” _You tried to provoke me to fight one last time. That´s enough._  
“Enough of chit-chat. Let´s go.”  
And they did. After they will be far enough from the city to not cause a panic he will transform into titan – it will be faster for him. Levi can sit on his arms or something.  
And then…

_Let us to be remembered as persons who fought to the very end._


End file.
